Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
