hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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