Are you still at the party or did I leave?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
