theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I have fence marks all over my body
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
