I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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