shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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