Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
