meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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