final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
