Will you blow on my dice?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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