We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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