Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
