I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
