I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
