anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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