Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
