my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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