they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
i've created a new STD.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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