Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
