I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Four minutes until I can fart!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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