She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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