i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
