I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
