if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
