yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
