Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
