I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
