you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
