i was born a porn star she said
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
