I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You need a sexual gate keeper
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
