I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
is it fun? or sober?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
