I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
whose parrot is this?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
