y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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