The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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