i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
