I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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