Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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