Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
