Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
