Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
