he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
