You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
