i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
