meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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