I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
