My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
