I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
