Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
