nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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