I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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