Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
