I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
