Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
