Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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