I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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