how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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