The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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