The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
