When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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