woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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