the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
