I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Randomize
