he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
