I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
